The not so rare moment of genuine weakness.

And so it happens again.
That unsettling flutter in my heart.
The untamed blows against my heaving chest.
It hurts, it pains.
Restlessness is taking over.
I’m agitated.
I’m trembling.
Seething with envy.
Bubbling.
The familiar frenzy is taking reign.
I feel sick with discomfort.
My bowels churn.
I want out.
Want her out.
How savage.
How wildly savage jealousy can be.

Yes, I'm still alive!

Okay, so it's been eons since I've logged on here. I've lost any flair for the internet for the longest time, so blogging certainly hasn't been a priority on my list in the past few months. Regardless, a good amount of things have happened, some of which I'll deliberately take the time to expand on here.

I finished my first semester of University with a rather encouraging average, one of 89%. My lowest class mark was an 85, in Physiological Bases of Behavior. I probably could have done better, but given my massive lack of effort, I'm really not complaining. A few days ago I got an envelope in the mail with a scholarship from Millenium Scholarships Foundation or something like that. Might help me lessen my loans to the government.

On an even brighter side of things, I also found myself a job, so I'm hoping to put aside a bit of money for next semester. I work at a restaurant called Benny Express. It's on Highway 40, and way too many truckers drop by. I'm in charge of maintaining the eating area proper, cleaning the tables, chairs, sweeping, washing serving trays, and so on. Sometimes I get the toilet duty, but it's mostly to wipe the counter, sinks, change the hand paper, toilet paper, the soap.. Nothing TOO dramatic, thank Goodness. They placed me in the kitchen the other day, and almost promised that soon they'll move me up a notch, so that's not bad, for a week's worth so far.

I was insanely happy to let go of Champlain Rez. That place was becoming a burden on its own, let alone the school, and the room-mates, and the conflicts. Phew. Matt and I found ourselves a nice 3 1/2 on Belvidere, and we'll be moving in together in August. Until then, it's hell with parents. I've been living out of boxes since the end of April, and I'm anxiously awaiting this Saturday, when I get my own room. One of the ladies here is living, so I'm getting her room, which is the best room in the house. It also has a balcony that overlooks the river. ^.^ Yay!

This friday, if my mom ends up buying the tickets in time, our entire family should be going to the Bell Centre to see André Rieu live with his orchestra. We've already seen him last year, and it was a splendid show, and so, since our grandma's here with us this summer, it would be nice to go again and let her share that experience too, especially since she likes classical music.

I don't know. Things are good. This year bears more of the good stuff. 2005 was a curse. But who knows. It's only half way through. Maybe the wheel will turn, like it most always does. Regardless, I am currently delighting in the succession of things accomplished. There's certainly things bothering me still, but I won't cluster the pages with them right now. I'm trying to focus on the positive! :)

Mostly, these are the highlights of the last few months. I took up roleplaying again yesterday, but only through e-mail. I'm not ready yet for chat-based roleplay like I used to, nor do I think I'd have the time to attend as much as I did. This storyline permits me to adjust my writing, my time and my mood to fit accordingly. Maybe later, when I get back to the linguistic altitudes I reached during my roleplaying prime, I might give it a thought. Until then, I'm good.

Ni ni.

Finally, spring break is here...

The past few months, and especially the past few days have had quite an impact on me. Too many dreams, too much lack of motivation, little doing, lots of planning, and a whole lot of inbetweens.

I haven't yet gotten the opportunity of any employment means, especially not from Nordia, the place I've sent my CV in quite literally 5 times. Something's either seriously wrong with their internet connection/employee relations or my CV just sucks... Personally, I'm utterly convinced it's the first variation. Without a job, the appartment is out of question also. And I so very badly need to move out of this rez shithole..

I got in a fight with one of my roomies on Monday, and we don't even talk to one another, unless to reproach to one another petty things. It's rather sad that we have to act so immature, but apparently either pride or obduracy gets in the way. Anyways. Now that reading week is here, I can at least get away from rez for a bit. I'll be staying home until Tuesday, after which I plan on a trip to Ottawa to see Erika. Should prove to be a nice getaway for a week.

My mid-terms turned out quite all right, or at least from the ones that I got back. I'm still waiting on 2 results, and I have one more mid-term to go after the break. And a shitload of projects and essays... Though I'm kind of looking forward to them. We haven't had much demand of them until now, and since I'm big on essays, it's more a source of excitement than it is a hassle. I just might work up some nifty phrases that could get me back my wordsmith status. lol. Who am I kidding... Those times are long gone.

Matt and I are holding strong as always, and looking forward to a fat 11 months in March. We've been so busy with academics, we missed out on our 10th monthiversary, but that's okay. We'll make up plenty for it. =) Otherwise, we're both excited on the prospect of living together, and for things to start happening. So far there's just been a lot of setbacks, from all corners.

Luckily though, this break is well received, and properly spaced out. By the time it's over, I'm hoping to be a little more patient, with a little less homework to do, a bit more motivation, and a whole lot more decision- oriented. Less planning, more doing.

I suppose time will tell it all.
Until later days...

Thought gatherings...

I'm slowly beginning my metamorphosis according to the seasonal changes... Bundling up in layers when going outside, cuddling under blankets and getting cozy with Matt when inside; feels quite blissful, were it not for the burden of school.

There's 13 days of school left, and within this narrow timespan, I have 2 assignments left to finish, 2 labs, 5 exams...and then 4 finals. I feel like I can almost taste the freedom that awaits past this last burden... these last few days of my scientific adventure, of my collegial era, of this eternal struggle of studying something I've long lost my passion for. I've been ready to step past this long ago, and all that awaits from next semester on is almost close within my reach, tickling my fingertips.

With the holidays coming up, at least they're keeping me in a somewhat uplifted spirit. I'm very much looking forward to the next couple of months: Christmas, New Year's, Matt's birthday, then my own.. I feel like I've been waiting forever for this year to finish. I've had quite the sequence of hardships to overcome, and perhaps the only spiritual gift I can truly say I merited fully is Matt. He's been my one and truly enlightenment this year. Everything else seems like a drag... The school year, the summer, the family...

I could almost envision a picturesque alternative to Dali's "The Persistence of Memory". They say the melting of the watches acts as a metaphor for the ephemeral nature of mankind, our inevitable decay and our subsequent obsession with the nature of time set against us. How inexorably the process appeals...

I am rather enthralled to be going home this upcoming weekend. My grandma's cooking some romanian specialties, and upon my return back here, I can bring decorations to liven up this appartment a little. It's dead as it is, and with two secluded roommates, it gets duller and duller. Not that I should talk, though some tinsel and light garlands would sure bring some coziness to the place.

Overall, my mind dwells into the future. The present holds no interest for me anymore, at least not momentarily. And the future seems so immediate, so close, that it almost feels like it should be the present...

Soon, very soon...

When motivation is at its lowest, there is lack of drive, lack of willingness and lack of interest in the things that were once worthwhile. In this categoric dullness, there are too many things that gradually become less meaningful, less gratifying, less substantial. With the absence of stimuli, comes loss of significance and fruitfullness from which one can grow and blossom. My creative side's been in constant hybernation for a while now, and I don't know what to do anymore to snap back into my usual state of consciousness.

The only person that actually manages to arouse a strong response in me is Matt. He's still my light of hope, my spot of brightness, the thread that I so dearly hold on to, gradually thinning it until it's so thin I'm afraid it might just collapse from so much pressure. I'm sure I don't come easily to him at this time of need, though he's holding his ground just fine, and somehow manages to sustain my insanity also. Talk about a noble soul-mate...

School hasn't exactly been anything close to excellence as it usually is. Let's say I'm teetering on the brink of failure in some classes, a factor that's somewhat endangering my average, and my chances of getting a scholarship at Bishop's University next semester. And since my characteristic 'damsel in distress' comes out, I've been unnaturally stressed and worried over this. To my salvation, there's precisely 23 days of school left, and then exams. I can hardly wait...

I'll try to update the blog more frequently, even if short posts. (better than nothing, right?) And once all this weight will be lifted off my shoulders (the countdown has already begun), I'll be an internetoholic for a while, or at least for the length of the Christmas vacation. So hopefully, lots of blogs to come.

Until next time...

Dedicated to one of Matt's posts to me..

So here's a few of the Photoshop fooling around stuff I was talking about in my earlier post

I've had several pulls and tugs on the sleeve as to why I haven't updated this blog in a while. There isn't a simpler and most obvious response than the following: I've been occupied. I wasn't expecting my summer to be anything close to what it turned out to be, but I suppose that's the irony of it all.

For a quick recap of what's been happening in the past month or so, I'll start with the trip Matt and I took to Quebec city. The ride there, instead of taking 3 hours took more like 9. 60 kilometers away from Quebec city, the van decided to break down on us. We fussed around for a bit, trying to start it, looking around for leaks of sorts, smoke and other things alike, but there was nothing. Well, we didn't panick right away, but we started pacing around, trying to think of who to call, and what to say.

Little did we know that not even 10 minutes into the phonecalling reflection a police car stoped behind us. Now... this police car wasn't a normal one, but painted in gay hues of red and blue and pink- obviously a notorious fan of St Jean Baptiste at wheel. Had I not known any better, I would have told him his flamboyant gayness matched his car. Or vice versa.

Anyways. He was particularly inclined towards us calling the CAA, and bring the car back home, but then our voyage would have crumbled to ruins. I told him we have a cellphone, so we'll manage from there on. A bit after he left, I called my dad, in a desperate frenzy to tell him what happened. Seeing he is a mecanic, there just might be some hope.

So there we were, on the side of the highway, cooking like bacon, waiting for my dad to drive from Montreal all the way to where we were. Suffocating heat, sweat pouring off of us in gallons, we sat in the back of the van, layed down on the cover and pillow we had brought with us, and somehow, managed to pass out for a good hour and a half. Time after which we began to grow impatient. We ate every Starburst we owned, drank every drop out of every water bottle we had, and sat around listening to Matt's mp3 player, which, coincidentally, was a recorder also. If only I could post the recording in here, hehe.

We were restraining from drinking all the alcohol we brought with us because that was for later. Initially, the trip to Quebec was designed for us to see the ship that I was on in 2003-2004. Eventually, my dad arrived, and with some help from him, we managed to get the van off the highway to the nearest exit. After a good half an hour or so of intense studying, motor unjamming, trying to figure out what happened with the car and why it won't start, he announced he didn't have in possession the necessary tools to fix the car.

So we did end up calling the CAA. They took the van along with my dad who returned home, and he gave us his car instead. Well, we made it at around 7 PM, which have us 2 hours to get ready, eat something, change into something a little more elegant than what we were wearing, and make it to the reunion.

The reunion was nothing out of the ordinary, mediocre we could say. I did however get the opportunity to show Matt around the entire ship, my home for a year. We took a few pictures also that I'll gladly post in a bit. There were free drinks, alcohol, pretzels and things of sorts, and we got to see the Captain, First Mate, Bosuns, and a few other students I hadn't seen since I left the ship last June.

Anyways. The reception lasted until about midnight, after which we took a 3 hour walk around Quebec city, and then returned back home, at around 6 Am. Dropped dead on our pillows and slept like babies.

Otherwise, what else is new... I finished the Yearbook! Yeah. I know. Congratulations. Only took me forever to do it huh? I'm pretty happy I finished that though. It was starting to get on my nerves how it was dragging and all. Yes, I know, my fault, but still. We're (Kate and I ) just waiting for Jostens to send out the set of proofs we need to look over, resend them back, and ship everything over to Winnipeg (seeing they have no printing press in Quebec, go figure).

Living at home is godawful. I can't wait for this month to be over so I can move back at Champlain rez. My mom and I aren't getting along all that well, and I'd rather just get off her case, and her mine. Moving out is probably the best decision to take. I'll see. Don't much care to elaborate on this topic. It's been on my mind too much to keep refering to it for now.

My parents are leaving for a few days to get away from things...so I have to replace my mom upstairs, and take care of the seniors for the amount of time she's gone.. Don't much look forward to that, but then again, I'll have Matt and Nancy (other co-worker) to look up to. I'm actually not too concerned about the responsibility. 13 lives. Meh. *evil snicker* Just kidding.
But really. I'll manage.

Haven't gotten to the art projects as of yet, but I have been reading, and that I'm content for. Been doing a lot of Photoshop fooling around lately also, which helps relax, in my case. I adore working in Photoshop when a wave of inspiration washes over me. As I do everything else related to arts for that matter.

Viviane came over for a few days, and I was overly disappointed at the way things went. I realized I don't much enjoy her company anymore. There was a time when I wanted nothing else but her company, but after 5 years, it seems we've taken too different a path to be able to see her the same way. I can't say she changed since before, but I did, and that changes everything between us. The bold, daring, outgoing Viviane I once knew is still there, but in a manner I don't much enjoy anymore. Oh well. What can you do...

On a happier note, I'm going over to Matt's tomorrow for a few days. I'm pretty excited. We both came down with a flu this week (rather odd...), so we'll indulge in eachother's company in chasing the sickness away. At any rate. I'll upload those pictures in a bit. For now, I'm off to make some more wildberry tea. Yum.

Until next time.